Mr. Scott, Report.
We were up through the night Captain and we used all the hardonna crystals we had. I don’t know how much more she can take.
I think things were going fine, up until the Romulan Ale appeared. Even Mr. Spock seemed to be enjoying himself.
Often the wines from the Napa-Sonoma Nebula and Aurora Bordeanis were predicted to last for several light years and were frequently traded at auctions by the Ferengi. I believe that most of these wines are now interned on Romulus - both authentic and counterfeit.
And you have these wines, Jim? You have an Aurora Bordeanis?
Engineering to bridge: Captain, I have just finished inventorying the dilithium crystal containment compartment, er ah wine storage locker.
Scotty, what did you find?
Well Captain, I don’t think you are going to like it.
I think that is why it is still in there, he didn’t like it in the first place.
Quite a logical conclusion, Doctor. It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.
Mr. Scott! Report!
There was only one thing in there Captain, and it was a brute.
Do you mean beaut?
No, I mean brute. As in it is the size of a photon torpedo! You had better come and have a look.
Wow, Jim, that really is impressive!
And what is this? Is this some sort of technical reference Captain? It says hardonna, and there is a Federal warning.
That, Mr. Scott, is a reference to the grape that the wine is made from. The label has been worn down. It originally said Chardonnay. This is a Nebuchadnezzar. It is a Biblical reference to the King of Babylon. It holds 15 liters of wine.
Aye, and if my Grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.
Bones, help me get it up and onto this table.
Ah, sure Jim.
Captain, look at the top! It’s mixing matter with anti-matter! She’s gonna blow!
Star Trek into Wine Country – Captain's Birthday
If my calculations are correct Captain, the warp core will operate at 150% efficiency with hardonna crystals, but will need a one hour refractory period for every three hours of service. Scotty under his breath: A fast horse don’t run long, aye Mr. Spock?
Captain, warp power is restored, but I wouldn’t advise going over warp 2 for the first three hours.
Thank you Mr. Scott. One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it.
Captain Log, Supplemental: The Enterprise was able to achieve warp power using tartrate crystals from a very old and large bottle of Chardonnay wine from Earth. The wine wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. Still, in all the galaxies we have travelled, Earth is the only planet that is able to make wine. And for that we are all grateful…
Bones, how long do I have to look like this?
Well Jim, that “40 again for the 5th time” birthday celebration of yours certainly turned into some party.
Relax Scotty, that is just sediment that collected in the neck of the bottle. It is harmless and made up of tartrate crystals.
According to the Oracles, it is from improper cold stabilization. The wine should have been chilled to just above freezing to allow these tartrate crystals to form before the wine was encapsulated in this molten sand vessel and sealed with tree bark. Highly illogical. How is it that your species was able to evolve?
Wait a minute Jim, those naturally occurring tartrate crystals are not that different from dilithium crystals. I bet we can use them to power the warp core.
Scotty, can you use tartrate crystals to power the warp core?
You mean use the hardonna tartrate crystals?
Yes, Mr. Scott, hardonna. It’s all we’ve got.
I’ll try Captain, but I can't change the laws of physics.
Well see if you and Mr. Spock can just bend them a little to get us warp power. Can you do that Mr. Scott?
I’ll give ya all she’s got Captain! But first, maybe we should sample a wee dram of the hardonna as we retrieve the tartrate crystals. Strictly for quality assurance purposes, of course.
While you do that, I will begin developing the necessary calibration adjustments for the warp core.
Hey Spock, this is from a great vintage. Sure, you won't change your mind?
Captain, I've never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.
Maybe that is the problem Mr. Spock, you’re not asking the right questions.
Speaking of questions Jim, I have one. Since our dilithium crystals managed to leave the Enterprise last night around that woman’s neck, how are we supposed to achieve warp power? Or are we to limp along on Impulse Power for the next millennia?
Without those crystals Captain, I dare say our haggis is in the fire for sure.
Mr. Scott, check all around engineering for any dilithium crystals that may have been put aboard from our last stop at Regular One.
What a great idea Jim! Why don’t we just look in the glove box?!
Aye, Captain, but I don’t think we’ll find any. The containment compartment designed to store dilithium crystals was converted into a wine storage locker after our last visit to Amalie Robert Estate on planet Earth. Viognier, I think it was.
Ah yes, Viognier… The nectar of all wines. Mr.Scott, inventory that locker and let me know what you find right away. And you do not need to take the worm gear drive with you. Kirk out.
Jim, what are you hoping to find in that locker? That Viognier from Amalie Robert Estate was gone just about as soon as it was loaded on board.
Yes, I know Bones. But I recall something else being in there and I think it is still there because it “wasn’t ready.”
Wasn’t ready!? It wasn’t ready or you weren’t ready?
According to the data logs Doctor, there were several “Oracles” on 21st century Earth. Each of whom had cultivated a devoted following. There was also The Hosemaster of Wine who frequently and effectively skewered them with stinging satire. Richly deserved, so it would seem.
These Oracles would rate a wine after evaluating it according to a strict set of guidelines that happened to be unique to each Oracle. Hence, the ratings were often incomparable, and at times incomprehensible. This would never be permitted on Vulcan.
The Oracles would also attempt to estimate a point in the future when the wine would provide the ultimate gratification - if the purchaser were still to be alive.
Why Doctor? Is there something wrong with the one I have?
Well Jim, a bet is a bet and a Captain’s word is his bond…
Follow this link to read about the prior beam down in search of the Amalie Robert Botryotinia Fuckeliana Chardonnay (Pabuk's Gift.)
And I was only slightly surprised to learn we just happened to be so close to that all female cadet Star Base!
You know I don’t believe in the “no win” scenario Bones.